Adoptees talk about birth moms and adoptive moms and make up clever names like “first moms.” Some of the angry ones call them worst moms.
But we don’t talk about what happens when adoptees become moms. What do we call them?
Our children call us Mommy or Momma or Mom, but I just call myself Lost.
I relate the following as my example of an adoptee’s complex relationship with motherhood, an already challenging position. I encourage adoptees to share their stories so others realize how our inauspicious beginnings follow us to parenthood.
My mother died when I was twenty-five. She endured three anxious years of surgeries and blood tests while I watched the only mother I’d ever known slowly leave me.
Wait–that’s not right. I knew another mother, but only for two-and-a-half months. And then we parted ways. When I sought her out, I discovered she died less than ten years post-me.
So I’m again mom-less, raising a son with only memories for guidance. Like any mother, I’m doing the best I can. But there’s a difference:
I envy my son.
I envy my son because at three years old he knows something I don’t–the privilege of having a consistent caregiver, one who never questioned his existence. He carelessly plays his days away, taking for granted a woman who spirits pretzels and juice and raisins to his side, knowing no different.
Apologies, but the piece I adapted this section for HAS BEEN SELECTED FOR PUBLICATION! I will link to this story once it goes live, but the overall message here will stay 🙂
For adoptees, parenting is a declaration: We survived. We carry traumas from our abandonments, yet we’re using them to make us stronger parents. Simply being present means we’ve done more for ourselves and our children than was ever done for us.
Adoptees are rewriting adoption’s definition. The literature rarely looks at adoptees as parents, making our insights invaluable to the practice. Let’s start sharing now and give them something to talk about.
Be a part of the future! If you’re interested in sharing your adoptee-turned-parent story, feel free to contact me. I’ll use our stories to weave together a long-form article on adoptee parents. Thanks!